13 Real Animals Lifted Directly Out of Your Nightmares

Also known as the fish of the damned, it appears the only reason we don’t hear their curse filled lamentations is because they’re underwater. Fill your aquarium with these fuckers and you’ll fall asleep every night watching them silently proclaim your impending damnation.

They only grow to be about four and a half inches long, but their bite sized terror is potent they hide in the deep during the day, then rise up at night, returning once more to the abyss as day breaks. Or possibly the final level of a Gradius game.

That is Promachoteuthis sulcus, an extremely rare, deep sea squid known only from a single specimen. Canada Goose Outlet Researchers have a science boner over the fact that these things have weird tentacle proportions, but the rest of us are just freaked out by the teeth, which we’re told is an illusion: What appear to be teeth are actually lips that cover the more normal squid beak. This is the equivalent of buying novelty hillbilly teeth and wearing them all the time for no reason.

Still, we’re not sticking our fucking finger in there.

Hey, what could be creepier than a weird human mouth stuck on a sea creature? How about a whole fucking face?

That is a Matsuba Koi. If that name sounds familiar, that is because they’re those big gold fish found in Japanese ponds. Apparently, every so often, some types wind up with a human looking face, and one that looks slightly pissed off.

Can you imagine being out fishing and catching that bastard? With that face looking up at you? And it calls you « daddy »?What’s Worse Than a Fish with a Human Face? This.

Bullshit. That cannot be real. Evolution did not spawn a creature with a fucking yellow smiley face on its back. Science is lying to us. a sick joke somebody is playing on the world’s spider experts. Some think the terrifying cartoon face somehow evolved to ward off predators, presumably by convincing them that instead of seeing a spider, they’re merely having a bad acid trip. Best to abandon dinner and go lie down for a bit.

The Deep Sea Holothurian, better known as an abyssal sea cucumber, sounds like a boss from Final Fantasy and looks like something Khan would attach to the brain of a Starfleet officer. Somehow, the abyssal sea cucumber is one of the most successful ocean dwelling species, presumably because any predator would take one look at this thing and run home to sleep with the lights on in their parents’ room.

« That’s fine, I’ll kill your parents too. »A Spider with Arms. and Claws

OK, so it’s not a spider. Amblypygi, or the tailless whip scorpion, looks like nature decided to take everything that creeps us the fuck out about bugs and roll them together in one sleeping bag lurking masterpiece.

If somebody told us that a bite from this thing would explode the heads of 17 elephants, we would believe them based on this picture alone. Amazingly, the amblypygi has no venom at all and lives mostly in tropical forests and caves, doing its best to mind its own business. Well, as much as creature that looks like that can mind its own business while shoveling prey into its mouth using its fucking hands.

Holy shit, whose idea was this? What you’d suspect was a regular turtle after a series of grotesque radiation experiments is actually mata mata, a South American turtle that looks like a cross between Bowser and Ian McShane.

Supposedly its hideous exterior camouflages it from its prey, but really the thing is just so fucking ugly that fish would rather get eaten than have to look at it. http://www.canadagoosereview.top/ Fortunately, people aren’t on the menu, but with a shell that measures 18 inches long and a body that weighs 33 pounds, we wouldn’t tease them with our fingers.

All right, we need to get something cute and furry on this list, ASAP.

Fuck! That’s actually worse! This strung out looking thing is the aye aye lemur, which appears to have crawled its way out of the rancid vagina of a Victorian prostitute and went straight to work hiding in children’s bedrooms to steal their dreams.

Actually, it lives in trees in Madagascar and uses its freakishly over sized fingers to find grubs (the exact purpose of its goblin hair has yet to be determined). It’s basically the terrifying version of a woodpecker. Unsurprisingly, Madagascan natives regard the aye aye as an unholy terror. Consequently, the damn thing is endangered and we’re legally required to give a shit about it. But fuck it, the Rancor was probably endangered too.